totm nov 2023 Thread to discuss negative things in a very general way, just see where it goes y'know?

[AlamoVampire]

Im sitting here on a saturday evening and im just numb. Tomorrow will mark the first week of my life with out my mom. I still feel lost. I feel like im trapped in a nightmare. If I had any advice for those of you not yet on this side of inevitability I urge you to make a video or audio recording of your loved ones. A few years ago I had the foresight to have her record me a message and of her singing me a lullaby that she sang me when I was an infant. If you yourself are a parent do this for your kids. Store it on multiple media types, in a safe or safety deposit box. Its a comfort that is indescribable. I just want my momma. 
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oh look new page…

Edited September 29 by AlamoVampire

[AlamoVampire]

90 minutes. Thats how long i have until i hit a time where i cant say “a week ago at this time my momma was doing…” what a terrible week.

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[AlamoVampire]

One week and change. Guys im still in shock, still hurting. Still lost. Its been a fast yet slow week. Now im faced with whats next. This…. is not what I wanted. 
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[Delay]

48 minutes ago, AlamoVampire said:

One week and change. Guys im still in shock, still hurting. Still lost. Its been a fast yet slow week. Now im faced with whats next. This…. is not what I wanted. 
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I fully understand. Sadly it'll take a while before things will go back to any resemblance of "normal"...

[AlamoVampire]

I know its cliche but normal is knowing my mom is here, that i can tell her i love her, give her a hug. What comes next will be a temu version of normal. But, regardless of what id prefer im stuck with what i have.  

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[tater]

My ~13.5 year old dog is on what is now palliative chemo for her Mast Cell cancer (palliative since the tumors make histamine, which makes it uncomfortable, and the chemo bangs that down), but now she either has a bone met, or more likely an osteosarcoma on her left shoulder. Limping badly. So they gave her a script for tylenol 3 + codeine, and after 2 doses Saturday, and 1 Sunday morning we were thinking she would have to be put down because she was so miserable... so I didn't give her the evening dose of T3+ cause she perked up towards the mark where she could have another—and she woke up this morning still an elderly, sick doggy, but is otherwise acting normal. Guess she can't tolerate narcotics. So what was going to be a terrible day today, not so much.

It's still coming around the corner, but the negative here is that maybe the vet needs a sort of "hospice" sheet to tell people what to look for, since invariably things will seemingly turn south on the weekend where your only option is the emergency vet, and for pet-hospice, the goal is to NOT have to take them to someplace scary as the last thing you do with them (IMHO).

Edited October 2 by tater

[AstroWolfie]

Warhammer Community's website was like this when I checked in this morning. Any website folks know about the problem?

[BA-Forums]

I have Verizon. At 07:00 Pacific Time, it went down. This seems to be everywhere else in the US also, it seems to be random, as my friend can use his phone, and he is also on Verizon, and nobody knows when it's gonna start working again.

[tater]

Mine seemed to stay working here in NM (verizon)

[AlamoVampire]

Well… im in ohio, funeral is tomorrow. I had my last visitation with my momma. I placed a last few precious items with her, gave her a final hug and kiss then closed her casket. Guys i cant put into words just how exceedingly hard that was. Worse yet will be when I fly home. She will be staying here and im returning home to never be physically in the same state as her. This is beyond crushing.

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[AlamoVampire]

Today is the funeral. Just a bit over two hours. Rest in Peace Momma.
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[AlamoVampire]

Well, 6 hours ago I buried my Momma. Im formally in a world with out her. This hurts. This hurts bad. Ive done a little sight seeing, visiting her favorite places after her funeral and just was at her favorite park. Took a quick walk around her favorite little lake/pond and that was a vicious pain. Hurt so badly wanting to do that with her. Life right now is no fun.

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[AtomicTech]

14 hours ago, AlamoVampire said:

Well, 6 hours ago I buried my Momma. Im formally in a world with out her. This hurts. This hurts bad. Ive done a little sight seeing, visiting her favorite places after her funeral and just was at her favorite park. Took a quick walk around her favorite little lake/pond and that was a vicious pain. Hurt so badly wanting to do that with her. Life right now is no fun.

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[Fizzlebop Smith]

I know it sucks man. When my Grandmother passed it floored me. I still get reminders for her Birthday and cannot stomach the idea of deleting the calendar alert.

Find joy in those memories that you hold dear. Find those moments from childhood that ring most true. Seek out those scents, sights and sound which trigger the reverie and help you hold them dear.

Sadness sucks, but is proportionate to the joy you experienced with her. Otherwise, the ache would not be near so great. Tenper your sadness with those memories that conjure joy.

I remember waking up before the age of school & my mom being gone. Dad worked on the road.

I remember they divorced because mom would be "sleeping it off" and I missed 30+ days of Kindergarten.

She had convinced me she was sober, new leaf and all. My dad was strict and we got courts involved... I moved in with my mom and little brother.

Thank goodness, he needed someone responsible. Mom sold our government assistance for drug money, she had more men than I can count. If we needed a new sink.. BF of the week would be a plummer.

I was given RX opioids at 15 to "perk me up" & a live in Girlfriend at the same age. Graduated high-school right before I turned 17 and paid rent on the entire place with my first job... there is a great I still struggle to forgive her for. 

Mainly for the way my brother was treated when I was kicked out for refusing to feed her habit. My grandmother was my rock.. during my life I never once heard her speak I'll of my mother.

I miss her more than words can ever express. It gets easier... eventually. You get a little numb to the pain, scars form and joy doesn't taste like ashes anymore.

I pray you find that day sooner then later.

Remember those good moments with her.. not all mothers are equal.

[Lisias]

Spoiler

Anyone willing to buy Horizon Zero Dawn or any other Sony game available for PCs, do it now or as soon as you can.

At least Horizon is being withdrawn from the stores (EPIC until now), and it's expected that it (they) will be replaced by the Remastered version. At double the price, if the PlayStation Store is to be used as guideline.

=== == = AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT = == ===

Spoiler

 

 

I have this incredible ability to... "make friends" ... as it appears!

Someone on Steam just awarded me 14 (FOURTEEN) "jester" awards due some comments I made about VR on a community there. Each "Jester" awards costs 600 points, so this dude "invested" 8.400 points on some kind of petty revenge, but also gave me 2.000 extra points so I can use it giving awards too, and catapulted my stats a bit!

Oh, boy... Why some people invest so much emotional efforts on me is a mystery.

=== == = EDIT = == ===

Oh, boy²... Another inherent ability of mine is to miss the tone sometimes...

I'm terribly sorry for your loss, @AlamoVampire. I know how this hurts (getting old is getting acquainted with such losses).

All I can say is that time is the best medicine. The pain never really leaves, but the good remembrances gradually grow stronger to a point in which you don't really feel the pain anymore (besides it's being there, deep inside).

Be well, take care. Things will be better.

Edited October 2 by Lisias
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

[AlamoVampire]

Im returning home tomorrow and its going to feel wrong. I will return to a home where my mom is not a few miles away. To a city where she no longer is and no longer will return to. I cant fathom it. How do i move forward?

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[AlamoVampire]

Im leaving ohio here in like 8 hours and im feeling hollow. Im feeling like im nothing any more. Im leaving ohio and i will be so far away from my momma it will be as if ive abandoned her. I wont be able to go on a whim to see her. Im so lost it hurts. Im absolutely miserable.

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[Lisias]

8 hours ago, AlamoVampire said:

How do i move forward?

One step at at time. You will struggle a bit to make the first one - you need time to go trough your grief, and the first step out of it is always the hardest.

Don't think about it right now, don't think about the future, it will come no matter what. So, why worry?

Rescue your past. There's always something in our past that will help us to take that terribly hard (and harsh) first step.

Keep Walking.

[AlamoVampire]

Im home. Things feel so hollow. So empty. So…wrong. I just want to not hurt. To not feel this cataclysmically alone.

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[Iapetus7342]

3 hours ago, AlamoVampire said:

Im home. Things feel so hollow. So empty. So…wrong. I just want to not hurt. To not feel this cataclysmically alone.

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things will get better, father time heals everyone's wounds if he can

[AlamoVampire]

im sitting here at my pc and just looked over at the lego minifigure I had custom made by lego for my momma. I got it just before she passed away. It arrived with a broken hair piece that somehow got broken when they sealed it into the little mailer. I had sought out a replacement hairpiece for it and it arrived while i was up in ohio tending to my momma and her funeral. I wanted soo much to show her the mini figure I had made but did not want to show it to her with a broken hairpiece. I sit here trying to remember all the good times I had with her. All her jokes, her stories, her voice, her laugh, the warmth of her touch or her smile. All of that makes me smile, but, then, the thoughts end and I am left wanting. Wanting one more smile from her, one more hug, one more knowing glance at me that says she knows I will be ok. I want to hear her tell me once more that she loves me. I would give up anything and everything for that. I feel so empty, so alone. I then had a realization that caused me to nearly drive into a telephone pole or a streetlight. My birthday is just 14 days out guys. How do I celebrate it? How do I do that? Then the next day I go to the renfaire. I know shed want me to continue on, to live life, to push forward, but I just do not know how. I need her guidance more now than ever. Then Halloween comes up, then thanksgiving, then christmas, then new years.... I am so lost. I dont feel like I am going to be 43. I feel like I am about to turn four. I am so scared, so alone, so sad. I met this guy only briefly in ohio who was on the flight with me, he had come from alaska to ohio for a wedding. A lady on my flight from ohio was going down to oklahoma for a wedding. I sit here and all I can think is how dare you celebrate when i am in this much pain. How DARE YOU!!!!!! Is it rational? No. Does that matter to me right now? No. I had the funeral home add a special picture to her funeral program, a picture of me and my momma when I was about 4 years old I think. Since I learned of her passing all I have wanted for that little boy that I was is to go back into time and warn him and her about this. To tell them both to make as many memories together as they can, to have her record as many messages, songs, lullabies and what ever else she can for him, and do so every few years and save it all in a safe place. That when this moment comes that little boy will be absolutely shattered and all hes going to want is her. I do not know how to move forward or what to do. I do not know how to process this or accept it. All I want to do is to crawl into a hole and vanish. I freely admit that what I am about to say will sound immature to some, but, its raw truth. I want to be brave for her but do not know how. I want to stand tall for her, but again, do not know how. I want to be strong for her, but all i can do is cry. All I can hear is not my voice as I am now but the boy I was in the picture and all I hear is him screaming and crying for his momma. Life is brutal. It gives us a chance to love, it fools us into thinking we are able to prepare for moments like this. It then just shows you just how vulnerable you are, and destroys you. I am nearly 43 and I cannot figure out how to be 43. I cannot figure out how to live with out her. I know I will someday find my way, but, no idea how. When I can i will update more. Until then, will someone just give me a hug and tell me I will be ok?

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[Mr. Kerbin]

@AlamoVampire you have my condolences.  While I can’t give you a hug, or even imagine what it is like to feel that, I can tell you one day it will be ok.

It won’t be the same, but one day you’ll be okay.

It could be tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, etc. But one day you will okay.

And if you do really want to believe in that kind of thing, perhaps long from now you will see her again.  Maybe she is still looking over you.
 

Life is not always fair. But you’ll make it through.  Maybe this is too far, but don’t leave us. You are still welcome here. Always.

Edited October 5 by Mr. Kerbin

[AlamoVampire]

In less than 40 minutes it will be two weeks since my Momma died. Its been hard. Im still numb from it. Im so lost. I just cant figure this out. How do I return to some illusion of normal? How do I watch tv or movies or youtube when it makes me feel guilty to do so? How do I go to places she would go to with me? How do I keep going when shes gone as far as she can? I know in time it will get easier to resume doing things but it still hurts.

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[AlamoVampire]

And here it is. 2 weeks. Soft golden sunset, mostly blue sky with some clouds. I dont like it. 185310062024

[SunlitZelkova]

Either a lot of Russian language websites with cool art have been taken down/expired or they're region blocked in Japan, because I tried to search "СССР 2000 год" and the results were really lame compared to when I did it back in America two years ago.