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The Kerbal Chronicles Finalists and Poll


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Incredible! We received 93 article entries and we couldn't be happier! We can't express enough gratitude to everyone who participated and sumbmitted articles. They were all fantastic, but unfortunately they were too many and we had to choose the best 30 articles based on originality, humor, epic character, quality of the article and our own criteria. But now is your turn to choose the winners! 


You can vote for your favorites here!

These are the finalists:

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How Do Astronauts Wear Their Helmets? by @Angel-125

The second most asked question to all astronauts beyond how do they go to the bathroom in space, is how do they wear their helmets? The helmet is a vital component of an astronaut’s spacesuit. It keeps the air we breathe in, and the vacuum of space out. Its visor offers unparalleled visibility while blocking the harmful rays of Kerbol. But as any kerbal can tell you, our arms are too short to reach the tops of our heads, so just how do the astronauts wear their helmets? Do they use mechanical arms? Are the helmets equipped with Reaction Control System (RCS) thrusters? Do they get help? This investigative journalist attempted to find out.

To test the mechanical arm theory, while touring Kerbal Space Center, I examined the insides of the crew capsules used by the astronauts as well as the Hitchhiker habitat and MP-LG-2 Mobile Processing Lab. There were no indications of mechanical arms mounted to the insides or tucked away in some storage drawer. Instead, storage containers held items like trash, garbage, and rubbish. Next I looked at one of the spacesuits used by the astronauts, and sure enough, the helmet had no RCS thrusters that let the astronaut pilot it and dock it to the suit collar. The only possible conclusion is that they get help. That would make sense for the three-kerbal Mk1-2, but what about the Mk1? Or the Mk3 cockpit, when only one astronaut is aboard?

“It’s classified,” is all Bill Kerman, one of the "Original Four" astronauts, would say on the subject. Why, do they use alien technology from some crashed flying saucer to wear their helmets? Unfortunately, for now, the answer remains a mystery.

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Two hours ago, Kerbal I launched on the first Kerballed suborbital mission. Launch proceeded nominally, likely due to the fact that Commander Jebediah Kerman was locked out from control access, until just after capsule separation. When given control of the capsule spacecraft, he expended 95% of his capsule’s spacecraft’s RCS propellant firing all the translation thrusters at the same time, and then locked the SAS to prograde, draining the battery and causing him to lose all control over his capsule spacecraft.

He survived a prograde re-entry, only to be informed by Val, in her capacity as CAPCOM, that Mortimer took the parachute home last Friday to patch it and forgot to replace it before liftoff. Gene immediately started flipping through procedure books, while Jeb flipped the only unlabeled switch in the capsule, which ejected the capsule spacecraft hatch around 10,000m. Gene grabbed Val’s headset and told Jeb “At this point, you might as well jump.” Jeb undid his harness. At 350m, according to the camera on his pressure suit, Jeb shifted his weight to roll the capsule spacecraft, and fell jumped out of it. He hit the runway of the Old Airfield head-first, and miraculously survived. Upon leaving the hangar and encountering Jeb, recovery crew leader Gus Kerman reported significant swelling of both his head and ego, remarking “I’ve never seen a head quite that big!” after the post-flight medical check.

As a result of the flight, Wernher is investigating other ways of parachute-less spacecraft recovery, Mortimer is working on the finance team, Jeb is in rehab, Bill is looking for ways to reduce the size of Jeb’s head, and Gus is putting the finishing touches on Kerman II.

Walt Kerman

Public Relations Peon, Kerbal Space Program

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Why do the Rockets Boom? by @Mr. Me

If you have been paying attention to the news lately (which you should’ve if you actually read us), you would have seen that a ragtag group of scientists, led by the presumed deranged Wernher von Kerman, was testing propulsion methods to get a kerbal to space. I recently had a chance to speak to Wernher in his office last week:

               Greg: So, what do you call this project you are working on?

               Wernher: We call this the Jumping Flea. Jebediah, the pilot who volunteered to fly this Kraken of a machine, was generous enough to give us the parts to build it.

               G: What do you finally hope to accomplish from this mission?

               W: We want the end goal to be that Kerbalkind will eventually expand among the stars.

               G: I noticed that all 7,829 previous tests have failed. What are you doing this time to prevent another accident?

               W: We tried to pack more Snacks this time. That way Jeb will have less of an incentive to detonate the craft in protest.

This test, the 7,820th in the past three years, yielded the same result as all the others: an explosion upon launch. I decided to speak with Gus Kerman, the lead engineer of the KSP to find out why it happened:

               Greg: So why did the craft explode this time? In tests past, it was due to pilot distress. Was it different this time?

               Gus: Actually, it was. This test we lost because the fuel, which we dubbed boom-boom powder.

               Gr: Wait, you don’t know what fuel you use?

               Gu: No, we found it lying by the side of the road.

-Greg Gutfeld Kerman

Kerbal Chronicles Science Correspondent

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Mun Cheese Discovery 'Discredited by Facts' by @KSK 

Dinkelstein Kerman vindicated at last

Sky-high public excitement over yesterday's ground-breaking news that the Mun really is made of cheese, was brought back to Kerbin with a bump this morning. After working through the night on a fix for Untitled Spacecraft's balky camera, engineers at the Rockomax Conglomerate were startled to discover that their Munar probe had successfully sampled a partially eaten packet of cheese flavoured snacks, presumed to have been left on the Mun by a previous team of kerbonauts.

After several minutes of feverish speculation about the identity of those unknown explorers, an unnamed intern at the Kerbal Space Centre suggested that the engineers 'turn the camera around and look for them'. As the camera slowly rotated, stunned dignitaries and VIPs were treated to a panoramic view of the Munar surface, marred only slightly by abandoned items of equipment and a large flag bearing the logo of Dinkelstein Kerman's Construction Emporium.

Dinkelstein's oft-repeated claims to have been constructing and flying spaceships long before anybody else, are well known and have led to widely reported public tensions between the irascible construction company owner and the Kerbin World-Firsts Record-Keeping Society. In this correspondent's opinion, members of that learned Society will be eating their words today.

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Jebediah Didn't Die On Tylo by @Abbubner

As of last Tuesday, you would have noticed that there were no unusual pieces of debris falling from the sky, creating giant fireballs. Well, there is a reason to the interruption to this age-old tradition, and that reason is because it was a celebration of a success, created by the Kerbal Space Program.

According to the janitor of the Kerbin Space Center, there were talks going on between the staff of the KSC regarding a trip to Tylo. Little did we know that by the time we had heard about this, Jebediah Kerman had already defied all Kerbal-Kind logic; he kept enough focus to actually complete a mission.

But, this wasn't any mission. This was a mission to Tylo.

The mission was completed with what KSC rocket scientists describe as "A few pieces that Jeb found while he was washing behind his ears". We are still unsure what they mean by these "ears", but our sources tell us that the scientists are "just being petty and don't want us to know anything".

Jeb returned from this mission in style, by landing back on Kerbin, and destroying the Command Pod in a major explosion. He later said in an interview, "I got bored". We are excited to hear more details, but it is currently too early to guess without speculation arising.

KSA telescope reveals habitable planets !

KSA's Kitzer Space Telescope has revealed the first known system of 8 Kerbin-size planets. One of these planets is firmly located in the habitable zone, the area around the parent star where a rocky planet is most likely to have liquid water.

The discovery sets a new record for greatest number of planets found around a single star outside our kerbol system. All of these eight planets could have liquid water – key to life as we know it – under the right atmospheric conditions, but the chances are highest with the one in the habitable zone.

“This discovery could be a significant piece in the puzzle of finding habitable environments, places that are conducive to life,” said Gene Kerman, director of the KSC mission control. “Answering the question ‘are we alone’ is a top science priority. We are planning to send a mission to that star system as soon as possible".

At about 40 light-years from Kerbin, the system of planets is relatively close to us, in the constellation Kernarus. Because they are located outside of our Kerbol system, these planets are scientifically known as exoplanets.

This exoplanet system is called KRAPPIST-1, named for The Kerbal Planets and Pudding Secret Telescope (KRAPPIST).

-Vince Kerman

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Big sandwich going up in next Kerbal Space Program launch? by @Firemetal

The Kerbal Snacks in Space company attached a bunch of avionics and solar power to a giant sandwich recently and have asked KSP to take it up to a KEO synchronous orbit around Kerbin. Snacks Kerman said the following.

"We have never done this before. This is a great leap forward in snack technology. It will be quite a hard mission but if we are meant for space, we'll get it up there."

Yes. As he said this is quite a big task but it is doable. It will go up in a Kraken II launch in a month. The Kraken II is a two stage launch vehicle with a payload capacity of about 30 tons to LKO and 8 tons to KTO. The sandwich will have a small propulsion unit for the circularization burn at Apoapsis.

The launch is scheduled for Kapril 1st 2017.

Big sandwich launch cancelled?

After a few slight complications, the Kraken II launch has been cancelled. Apparently, the engineers got very hungry when they received the sandwich.

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Lingo Unchained by @LukasKerman

Many brave Kerbals have joined the Anomaly Task Force in recent years but none of those have ever witnessed what Billy-Bob Kerman and his squad uncovered just a few days ago.

At exactly 14:47 Kerbal Standard Time, so the computer says, Billy-Bob sent out an emergency call from the Great-Great-Crater. Following a nominal procedure re-balancing the fuel inside its main propellant tanks, their plane quickly started to lose thrust on all of its 13 engines. It didn't take long until Fetha Kerman, the crews flight engineer, noticed an irregularity in the overall shape of the vehicle.

Looking outside the window she saw what sealed their fate. One of the balancing tanks was missing and the fuel was pouring out a chemical trail behind the aircraft. Protocol P404 was immediately executed and the plane landed on one of the Great-Great-Craters islands.

None Kerman was injured but he was later hospitalized and will recover soon. At this point however, no one was expecting what was about to unleash upon them. An ancient artifact, disc shaped and shining in colors no Kerbal has ever seen before. Billy-Bob flaunted his bravery and picked up the artifact. A sudden scream!

One of Billy-Bobs fingers got stuck in an opening right at the center of the disc. Having recovered from the initial shock he quickly learned he was able to spin the artifact around his finger. Surprised but still unable to release his finger Billy-Bob commanded his communication officer Chad Kerman to use the satellite laser link to cut his finger free.

To their surprise their communication device picked up a signal as the laser was pointed towards the still spinning disc. Strange sounds left the cockpit thereafter but the computer recognized a pattern. It was this very moment that changed history forever.  It was this moment when Kerbalkind discovered the Ancient Lingos!

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Moho Probe Disaster! by @KerbalSaver

by Leo Kerman, Kerbal Chronicles

Earlier today, a Probodobodyne Inc. representative informed the public that the Moho Flyby Probe had mysteriously failed. According to the representative, an unknown failure caused the probe to stop working. This vague and unspecific answer was met with skepticism and thrown bagels in the press room.  Upon further snooping, we of the Kerbal Chronicles have discovered that the failure was due to Kerbal error in the planning stage. An anonymous official within Probodobodyne has said that the problem was an antenna of insufficient power. Internal documents on the project have revealed that engineers were told to “just slap a HG-5 on it and see what happens”.  This attitude has been seen in many previous disasters, especially the infamous Minmus Disaster, where the crew had to return to Kerbin after running out of snacks, a most terrifying experience.  The plans for the Moho Probe now are not certain, but it is thought that it will be repurposed. Probodobodyne says it is considering turning it into a Moho Impactor probe, or perhaps an interplanetary golf ball target, depending on whether the CEO gets a say in it.  Hopefully this mistake will not be repeated in the upcoming Minmus Colonization Project.  As we all know, rescuing Kerbals is hard and usually ends up with a small city on the body before a rescue mission actually works.

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Can Jeb Fly? by @Acea

The first time when I met Jeb, he was sitting in his junkyard and waving a hammer.

It's not common to see a junkyard near a fully-functional space center on Kerbin, said Wernher when he was smoking under a rocket on the launchpad, which was filled with liquid fuel and oxygen. Good thing in this stuff is he didn't get blown away at that time.

Of course he didn't, or I'd be now driving a truck delivering rubbish to this guy in front of me.

"Hey Bill," without moving eyes off his work, Jeb said, "Do you think this boy can fly?"

I stared at him for a while and replied: "Do you mean your hammer or that large rubbish bin you're slamming?"

Noise of hammer stopped and Jeb turned at me: "Come on guy you really need a dream. This would eventually become an awesome spaceship, and we can go far beyond our border."

He looked so serious that I could barely laugh, so instead I asked: "When do you think it will?"

"Eventually Bill," at the sky Jeb just glanced, "eventually."

Jeb had been looked up to as an amazing dreamer by me from that day on.

Until a few years later I was sent onto a mission by KSC, to fly a prototype spacecraft and run some experiments. Let me see, the ship was manufactured by... eh, Jebediah Kerman's Junkyard and Spaceship Parts Co..

KSC Command can I get off this piece of crappy metal? Yes please stop it, abort launch as soon as possible. This is no joke and stop that damn countdown right noAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

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Kerbals landed and returned from Mün! “A new age begins.” by @MinimalMinmus

Today, on the day 404 of the year 42, The Sarnus rocket finally reached the Mün, with Bob, Valentina and Jebediah Kerman on board. The ship circularized with little difficulty, but in the wrong way, due to Jeb “Falling asleep” according to Val. Then, after a fight to designate the one who will stay in orbit while the others land, Jeb and Val were chosen. Bob then decided to sulk for the rest of the mission.

After a few last burns, the ship landed effortlessly 30 minutes later. Jeb went out first, quickly followed by Val, who tripped on the ladder. Hence, the first words of a kerbal on the Mün will be “It’s a small step for Kerbals-Ouch! Hey! I told you to stay inside until I finish!” “Sorry…” They proceeded to open a few goo canisters, check the pressure (“It was disappointing”), and collect a bit of the local regolith. However, they decided to shorten the trip on the surface after Val discovered in horror that Bob kept all the snacks but the Kineapple-flavored ones, "Undoubtedly the worst".

Finally, after a rendezvous with the main craft, the ejection burn was made, occasioning a short brawl for the “Honor to push the button for the last burn”, followed by an entire day of fights about the re-entry: Jeb insisted for it to be made by locking prograde instead of retrograde, “Because it is sooooo much cooler”. Bob and Val ended up locking Jeb out until the plasma started to appear, causing him to need a new space suit. Once landed, Gene Kerman suddenly realized he sent the recovery team to the wrong side of Kerbin, forcing them to go back to the KSC on foot.

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KSC releases report of hopeful exoplanet by @Cpone

Yesterday at 4:26pm scientists working at the KSC’s Tracking Station discovered a star system with a total of nine eight planets. Of the nine eight only one appears to be habitable. This planet is located in what is called the ‘Koldilocks Zone’, an area around a star which has the highest potential to harbour life. The planet appears to be approximately eleven times the size of Kerbin. We spoke to Wernher Von Kerman and he said “This is among the most promising planets that we have found so far. I am very excited about this one as it is by far the most likely to actually harbour some sort of intelligent life.”

In the same system scientists have also taken note of a gas giant with a bright red circle on the surface. This circle has been nicknamed ‘The Red Spot’ and is yet to be understood as to what causes this strange phenomenon.

Astronomers have not given these newly discovered planets names yet but are willing to listen to suggestions from the public. Players of the popular video game ‘Human Space Program’ have noted the striking resemblance between the planets in this system and the planets featured inside the game. As such names such as ‘Earth’, ‘Mars’ and ‘Jupiter’ have been suggested among many others. We asked some of the employees at Squid, the company that created the video game, what they thought about this. "It would be really cool to have these planets named after our game but it hasn't really got the global influence to justify it." said one of their Community Managers, Dabie. "Would each language get a localised translation?" asked TriggerTau, a developer at Squid.


The clearest obtainable image of the new exoplanet.

- Greg Kerman, Science Correspondent

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The Sun Rises Over KSC by  @Red Shirt

The sun rises over KSC. Jeb flashes that infectious smile as he boards the ship. Despite the wide eyed wonder, he can't shake the feeling that he's flown this mission before.

The rocket engines fire. Liftoff! Suddenly the sky is filled with spiraling smoke and flames. Then explosions. It's utter glorious mayhem. All wonder is it the Kraken?

The sun rises over KSC. "Jeb, we added some struts. All's well. Go for launch." Liftoff! The ship flies beautifully until about 10k when it tumbles violently out of control. Jeb sighs.

The sun rises over KSC. "Jeb we added tail fins for drag. All's well. Go for launch." Liftoff! Perfect launch. Jeb reaches an Ap of 80k and cuts the engines. "Uhm, Jeb, the engineers say they miscalculated the dv needed to circularize. We should have used Moar Boosters! Prepare for reentry"

Jeb stages and turns the pod retrograde. "Uhm, Jeb, now the engineers say they forgot the heat shield..." No problem, thinks Jeb, the Mk1 Command Pod can handle it. "Uhm, and the chutes..." Jeb is not smiling.

The sun rises over KSC. Jeb holds the hatch open as Val climbs in. Jeb wonders to himself why he never thought of this earlier. As he prepares to shut the hatch he says, "Have a good flight, Val, and never forget this one word - Revert!"

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Jebediah Kerman Resting Comfortably After Risky Attributectomy by @JonathanPerregaux

Famed kerbonaut Jebediah Kerman’s pioneering surgery to remove his “badS = True” attribute “went as planned,” according to Kerbal hospital officials. The procedure was the first of its kind and involved much nervous fretting and random eye-goggling from clinic staff.

Doctors explained that “badS = True” is a rare attribute that causes Jeb’s facial expressions to register gleeful excitement at times when most sane Kerbals would be terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought. It was revealed that Jeb’s sister Valentina is the only other Kerbal known to possess this attribute.

“Jeb is doing fine,” said Chief Surgeon Arkbark Kerman. “A little scared-looking, but this is to be expected.”

Jeb, 30, opted for surgery to treat his inflamed attribute and revealed an autoimmune disease diagnosis in late January, a day after a public health scare when he fainted during an EVA in low Kerbin orbit. That incident led to an unlikely series of events in which Jeb miraculously returned to Kerbin’s surface sans ship or a parachute, bouncing harmlessly off the side of a mountain while somehow still attached to an EAS-1 External Command Seat.

Witnesses were heard to gasp, “Look at that! He glitched!” and took copious screen-shots.

Tests verified the efficacy of the attributectomy by presenting Jeb with horrifying pictures of exploding rockets, vertiginous views of canyons and buildings, close-ups of bees, and a large ship design without any struts or aerodynamic parts swaying perilously on a launch pad. Jeb reacted appropriately in abject terror at each image while Valentina, by his side, simply grinned with her eyes pointed blissfully in opposite directions.

Though the procedure itself was ultimately a success, officials explained it was quite difficult. Surgical attempts were repeatedly stopped and reverted by the medical team. Surgeons crowding around the operating table accidentally bumped it and fell down repeatedly for several minutes. Frustrated calls to “add moar sutures!” were heard.

At press time, reporters were still trying to discern where, exactly, the Kerbal hospital was, as no other part of Kerbin is inhabited or contains buildings other than those dedicated to space travel.

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Space Between The Ears by @pandaman

The KSA have published a revelation about one of their top astronauts, Tommytom Kerman, nicknamed 'Satnav' by his colleagues due to his 'Super Kerbal' ability to plot complex interplanetary trajectories on demand.

The discovery was made when the Agency thought it wise to examine Tommytom to see if there were any indications why he has these incredible abilities, and if they could be taught to other astronauts.

The psychological  examination showed nothing unusual (for him), so a brain scan was performed to look deeper into the mystery and, to everyone's surprise, they found nothing.

'Literally NOTHING, not a sausage, not even a half eaten snack... or the missing TV remote control.  The space between his ears was as empty as... erm...  Space.' said the technician who performed the scan.

In disbelief that any vacuum could be quite that perfect, it was decided to look further 'into the void' to try to find some clues.  Eventually an amazing discovery was made, the space between Tommytom's ears is almost literally that... SPACE.  Floating around in this 'nothingness' is a perfect replica of the known universe.

'It's, like... wow..!  So cool...!' said the technician 'No wonder he can navigate so well, he doesn't work anything out, he just... knows. I still think he's got the TV remote though'.

We asked Tommytom when he first discovered that he had  this amazing talent, and he told us... 'It was soon after my second spaceflight.  I was in my bunk one night and I just heard this "Big Bang" in my head, at first I thought it was just a loud snack, but since then I've been able to just point my ship and fire the boosters, then sit back, eat snacks and fiddle with the TV remote until we arrive'...

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By Kuzzter Kerman, Kerbal Chronicles


Today engineers at Kerbal Space Center unveiled the recently developed Probodobodyne HECS autonomous probe core. The new core provides full command module functionality to any spacecraft, making it possible for most future missions to be entirely uncrewed.

“This exciting new technology,” said intern Linus Kerman, “allows us to control spacecraft remotely, with greater precision than any kerbal pilot.”

“And it’s cheaper!” added Mortimer Kerman, head of Finance.

“As I was saying,” Linus continued, “we can gather science without risking precious lives, and—“

“And it’s cheaper!” Mortimer said again.

Conspicuously absent were any of the living astronauts the core is slated to replace. One, Valentina Kerman—second kerbal to land on the Mun, first to do so in an intact spacecraft—has made no secret of her opinion on uncrewed missions.

“Sure, probes are useful,” she told this correspondent. “But can a probe tell you what it’s like to do the backstroke on Laythe? How scary it is to hear a dust storm coming on Duna? The thrill of jumping off Gilly, and wondering if you’re ever coming down?

“Probes never argue, or panic, or whine when the snacks run out. And if something goes wrong…well, you don’t have to say goodbye to a friend. Maybe someday they’ll make a probe that’s smarter than any kerbal. Smarter than me. But they’ll never make a probe that can dream.”

With that, Valentina boarded her waiting spacecraft: a single-seat capsule atop a jumble of solid boosters, all held together with struts and hope. Seconds after ignition those boosters overheated and exploded, showering the launch pad with flaming debris.

As the smoking capsule rolled to a stop, Valentina kicked out the hatch and threw her helmet to an astonished engineer.

“Face shield’s cracked. Get me a new one—I’m ready to go again.”

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Surprise Proposal Stuns World! by @Just Jim

In a shocking turn of events, what started as a routine Munar science expedition turned into a world shattering moment when lab assistant Harfield Kerman did the unthinkable, live, on camera, and in front of the entire world.... and proposed to his long time lab-partner and girlfriend Jandolin Kerman!

Across all of Kerbin, kerbals stopped what they were doing and watched in stunned disbelief.

Jandolin just stood there, a look of shock on her face.


The whole world held it's breath... never had a planet been this silent... some claim even the birds paused their singing.

And as a huge smile broke across Jandolin's face, the whole world screamed and cheered and cried.

"Yes, yes.... YES!!!"

The ceremony was brief, but lovely, beneath that giant stone Mun arch. Bill Kerman, a long time friend of Jandolin's family, was honored to give away the bride, while Bob Kerman stood as best man, and Valentina Kerman was overjoyed to play the part of the blushing bridesmaid. It was said over 30 million kerbals watched that magic moment, as acting captain Jebediah Kerman joined the happy couple, and Harfield and Jandolin became the first kerbals to be married on the Mun.

Afterwards, it is estimated that well over 30 million kerbals celebrated across the planet, making it by far the biggest wedding reception in recorded history.

The crew later returned to Emiko Station without incident, and Harfield and Jandolin Kerman became the first couple to live in space...

...and a legend to the folks on the planet below.

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True pioneer of space exploration, Jebediah Kerman was notably the first Kerbal to orbit a celestial body or to walk on Mun. Then why label him an impostor ? These last few days his heroic reputation has been questioned by the publication of compromising documents in the anti-kerbonaut press. These documents appear to have been leaked from the Kerbal Space Center where they had been kept under lock and key. The first damning element is a statistic indicating that JK has taken part in more than 95% of the Kerbal Space Program missions. This has made the anti-kerbonauts react violently : for them it is proof that Jebediah Kerman has benefited from blatant favoritism. This information has totally unsettled the scientific community, since it gives credence to a strong conspiracy theory. However, the most scandalous element is a letter which Jebediah Kerman sent to Gene Kerman, the Mission Control flight director. The conspiracy theorists have picked up on one particular sentence: « Ah-Uh ! Aaaaahh ! Uuhh, ah uh ! ». This sentence written in Kerbal can have two meanings : either « I am highly qualified to join your team » or « I’m the boss’s son - hire me ! ». This second version tends to corroborate the anti-kerbonauts’ suspicions. For them Jebediah Kerman is a shameful impostor with friends in high places, a schemer who is only interested in his own advancement and puts qualified kerbonauts out of the running. Of course, these shocking revelations can be interpreted differently depending on one’s viewpoint. However, for most of us Jebediah Kerman will always be a hero of the Kerbal Space Program, and a universal model of success.

Léo Kerman

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Dear Agony Aunt by @Kertech

By Alanit Kerman

Hello again my dears and welcome to my little corner of the chronicle. Here to solve your woes and personal drama in a compassionate, caring and extremely public way.

Q)  Dear agony aunt, I keep dropping things every time a launch. It's just so embarrassing! Please help!!! --- D Kerman from Korfolk.

A)  Well my dear, you do have a pickle don't you. This sounds like you're not one with your mind, a bit rash and impatient. I suggest relax, and meditate. Think about the universe and space, we all love it, but space if used too much makes a Kerbal foolish.

Q)  Dear agony aunt, my husband is stranded on the mun, what do I do!?! --- A Kerman, Kornwall

A)  Surprisingly common malady these days. I suggest sit back and relax, he is probably fine. You could instead join up and go get him, just make sure you have an extra booster with you.

Q) Dear agony aunt, how do you tell if a girl likes you?

A) Oh my dear you have much to learn. A woman has signs, however why not make your feelings known. What could be more romantic than building her a rocket and bring her the stars!

Q) Dear agony aunt, how do you stop your house from being hit by rockets and exploding?

A) Ahh my sweetie, you know the old saying, “rockets never hit the same spot twice” why not move into the KSC, they’ve all been hit there!

Q)  Dear agony aunt, is your column a thinly veiled recruiting drive from ksp? --- S Kerman, Kertfordshire

A) No my love, but if you'd like to join, then write me a letter at the normal address! KSC, KSC road,KS1 P22. Till next week!

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Early in the morning of March 13th, the secretive complexes of Zaltonics Labs were rocked by a large explosion. Government officials and Zaltonic security personnel immediately sealed off the area. A Zaltonics employee, who because of our promise of anonymity will only be referred to by his first name, gave us some insight in what happened:

DONFRIT K.: “We were working on a quantum flux capacitor for our new anti-matter power source. Our chief engineer, Scotty Kerman, warned the site manager, James T. Kerman, that we were going to overload the core. I recall him yelling “She's gonna blow, cap’n!” but before we knew it there was a large explosion. When the smoke disappeared we noticed a Mk-II Lander Can sized hole in the roof. THEN we noticed the Mk-II Lander Can test capsule was missing. And poor Flirbarth, our junior engineer, was inside it, soldering some loose wires.”

Kerbal Observatories observed that indeed a new object was spotted in low Kerbin orbit. “We are not confirming that, just because the size, mass and shape of the object match that of a Mk-II Lander Can, that it IS a Mk-II Lander Can. In fact, at this point we’re not confirming ANYTHING. We also deny that there is a flying saucer wreck found on the North Pole. No sir!” was all we got from them before the hung up.

Zaltonics Labs refused to answer any inquiries. “There has been no explosion or incident. Whatever happened this morning has nothing to do with the rescue mission which is being scrambled together right now on the Kerbal Space Center. There is no such thing. In fact, we don’t know why they are doing that.”

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Preparations for the Munpollo-11 rocket's launch into orbit have been sped up as of last afternoon when two astronauts stole the Munpollo-10 launch vehicle and launched it ahead of schedule. Munpollo-10, the planned "dress rehearsal" for Munpollo 11, was to be launched this week as a final test of the Mun-landing equipment. Crewed by Tommy, Eugene, and John Kerman, the mission would fly just short of an actual landing on the Mun, according to a press release this afternoon by the Kerbal Space Program. The mission plan was put into jeopardy this morning as two of Munpollo-10's astronauts--Tommy Kerman and Eugene Kerman--launched the mission, reaching Low Kerbin Orbit a few minutes later. Reportedly Tommy was quoted as saying "So long, and thanks for all the fuel," just before turning off the audio feed.

Mission Director Gene Kerman told us that they have been monitoring the trajectory of Munpollo-10 for the past few hours. Despite the Lander being short-fueled, it appears that the astronauts have attempted to fill up the tanks by scavenging fuel from the spent boosters left in Low Kerbin Orbit from previous missions. The Munpollo-10 rocket is now reportedly on a transfer orbit to the Mun.

"Tommy always wanted to be the first Munman," said astronaut Jeb Kerman. "I think he took it pretty hard when they told him I was gonna be the first."

The Kerbal Space Program is planning to launch Munpollo-11 far ahead of schedule in order to reach the Mun before the Munpollo-10 lands. When asked why it's so important that Munpollo-11 be the first to land, PR-manager Walt Kerman merely shrugged and mumbled something about pirates, before KSCintern Linus Kerman corrected him and told the press conference "It's a matter of science."

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No Intelligent Alien Life After All by @TheNirl

Fist Fight at the KSC

   As this reporter is certain the reader knows, the entirety of Kerbin has been ablaze over the last two weeks, when the recently launched Wernher von Kerman Orbital Electromagnetic and Spectroscopic Ultra Magnificating Space Telescope (we all know how folks at the KSC love acronyms, so everyone just calls it the WVKOEMASUMST) started transmitting crystal-clear pictures of an incredible alien civilization extremely similar to our own.

   Well, it seems the similarities were just too much to accept for one particularly astute scientist at the KSC, who decided to actually analyze the pictures! Truly, the brainpower our space program harnesses knows no bounds!

   Dr. Sweeny Kerman took it upon himself to further magnify the already extremely high resolution pictures (much higher than expected), and upon discovering what appeared to be a landing strip and launch pad sitting on one  of the continents' shores, decided to zoom in on a particularly garish automobile exiting the facility. As the vehicle approached a nearby dwelling, Dr. Kerman discovered, to his dismay, that the dwelling was his own, where himself and his loving wife (at home at the time) reside, and the vehicle belonged to one of his coworkers, Dr. Vilnius Kerman, seen entering the premises.

   When confronted with the WVKOEMASUMST's bizarre behaviour, one technician in charge of the telescope's guidance system is reported to have asked "Wait, so the mirror points away from us?".

   And that's how it all happened. We have yet to find life in other worlds. In unrelated news, a fist fight broke out at the KSC shortly after these discoveries, although details on the reason behind it remain unclear.

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All aboard the Space Train! by @SnakyLeVrai

Today’s Space Train stops at Eleanor Kerman’s. Starting off as a seamstress, Eleanor is now manager of the Airbags and Balloons branch at K-Tex Company. She recounts how she got involved with the space program: “I have been sewing teddy bears for eleven years. One day, an engineer asked me if I could build an airtight suit for a special kind of activities.”

The airtight suit was designed to protect dumpster-diving enthusiasts from getting covered in trash while landing, since experience taught them to choose full dumpsters rather than empty ones to break their fall. “This is how we realized bloated bags of expired snacks made great shock absorbers”, she says.

Months later, after a string of unexplainable failures at landing on the Mün, the Space Center launched yet another competition to build parachutes that could work in hard vacuum. K-Tex proposed their radical yet innovative solution of Inflatable Litter Container (or ILC), that surrounds the ship with airbags to cushion landing, effectively tackling both problems of taking care of trash during long duration spaceflight and not missing the dumpster while landing. However, protestation from the Planetary Protection Agency threatened the project, stating Kerbals couldn’t resist popping inflated balloons, resulting in polluting outer worlds. Fortunately, while observing a stallholder decorating a merry-go-round with balloons at the fair, Eleanor realized they could inflate the bags with just any gas.

This is how she was put in charge of the brand new Airbags and Balloons branch at K-Tex.

“Everyone can participate in the Space Program” says Eleanor, “sure you can train as a Kerbonaut, spend years studying engineering and science, but you can also contribute as a seamstress, a painter, an environment protection specialist or a dumpster-diver! Everyone matters, just step forth and join the hype!”

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There’s a company behind most of the snacks in space & that’s Kerpool. Before the KSC was barely a dream, Kerpool, one of Kerbin’s oldest appliance & duct tape manufactures, worked in secret on the KOL (Kerbal Orbiting Laboratory). space station,  an early design for a Kerbal crewed orbital laboratory.

Engineers at Kerpool were mainly responsible for designing what would become known as the first space kitchen & more commonly referred to as the “snackshack”. Along with solving the problems of producing food for space travel. KOL was made public as the Kerbal Air Force’s way to learn more about how Kerbals could work in space, however it turned out later to be a spy space station with a large oversized refrigerator attached to it. Only a mockup flew but many of the KOL astronauts who trained to fly in it were transferred to the Kerbal X and Dynawing programs.

The “snackshack” was more than a bolted on refrigerator, it had food! Kerpool was also heavily involved in the development of the food that was to go into space as well as the methods of preparing & storing it beforehand.

The last three planned Kerbal X missions were cancelled & from some of the parts Klylab was fashioned. Given that the crews would be staying for longer durations onboard than during the Kerbal X  moon missions, Kerpool was challenged with creating a truly fully functional space kitchen. Their design would ultimately include a “table” where the crew could float around & share a meal together, something still done onboard the Kerbal Space Station.

having been prepared especially for the rigors of spaceflight. Some of these food items were designed to fit into a special tray that warmed up some of  the foods.

Many off the shelf snacks maker their way into space these days but in the early days of space travel, Kerpool was instrumental in making sure the Kerbonauts were fed!

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KSC's Engineering Team Awarded Medal for Uncanny Persistence by @TheNirl

Relay Satellite Launched for Just Under 2.3 million Kerbucks

The Kerbal Space Center's engineering department has been ingratiated with the Kontinental Medal for Outstanding Resilience, after having successfully placed in high Kerbin orbit a fully functioning relay satellite, equipped with the new and improved RA-100 Relay Antenna, manufactured by Ionic Symphonic Protonic Electronics, which is replacing the outdated models currently in orbit.

The decision to attribute the award to this team stems from the otherworldly difficulties it had to overcome. Indeed, the first through to the eleventh launches were all comprised of an assortment of instances of insufficient fuel to make LKO, or standstills on the launch pad with engines roaring full blast, sometimes lazily tipping over into a fiery doom. The twelfth launch was thought to have been the one, until the fairing was ejected in orbit and no signal reached Kerbin. It was later found that Leroy Kerman, a janitor at the KSC, mistakenly took the RA-100 Antenna for a communal barbecue grill, and had taken to throwing somewhat of a parking lot low-end cuisine party after his shift. Nobody noticed the missing antenna, or the party.

But at last, the deed was done. An exhausted Bill Kerman, representative of the engineering team, received the award with the following inspiring speech: "This mission took us forever because we had no way of knowing what was going to happen until the engines were actually ignited and things started happening. However, we are very confident that the AI program under development by the intrakerbinal community, codenamed 'Cybutek', will allow us to run all the necessary calculations for future missions before a rocket so much as leaves the VAB. Let's just hope so, because I'm not going through this ever again."

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